Subaqua Donk

DJ Mungo Munroe (son of famed Marine Biologist Dr. Alvin Monroe) will be playing his first Subaqua Donk show on his whistle stop world tour this month. The show, the first of it's kind in the world will be held at the Shelter in Shanghai. All profits from the tour will be donated to the Dr. Kazuhiro Kanazawa Foundation.
Special guest on the night will be Dr. Alvin Munroe, Blackout Crew and the sirenfish.
Hope to see you there.

A Sea-through fish.. badoomshik!

This is crazy, at first I thought it was just cos I was really really stoned (I'd been smoking mad weed all day with my son Mungo) but then I realised that it actually exists and has just been discovered.

Mungo and I tripping the light fantastic early today.

It's a fish with a transparent head, like how crazy is that. Far out man!
Not only that, the Barreleye as it's known, can see the future and emit it's findings via sonar. The only problem being that it can see just 5 seconds into the future and only has a 5 second memory.

Dr Alvin Munroe, signing off for now.

Shape shifting coral

Researchers writing in the open access CSMB Evolutionary Biology study have used genetic markers to examine coral groupings and investigate how these markers relate to alterations in shape, in the process discovering that our inaccurate picture of coral species is compromising our ability to conserve coral reefs.

The coral studied so far has shown under the right conditions it can morph into almost any shape. Some corals found are exhibiting on the fly bizarre shape shifting, morphing from corally lumps into fish, horses, wheel barrows, giraffes, Boeing 747's, shoe laces and other miscellaneous items

An Evolved Form Of Jellyfish Takes Over City Water Supply

Last week, CSMB received several water samples from Holdrege, Nebraska's water and sanitation department, alleging that their city's water supply has been contaminated with jellyfish. After assuring us that it was not a hoax, our esteemed resident professor, Dr. Heng Nan Kan (who recently won a Nobel for discovering green jellyfish petroleum), tested the samples and confirmed that they were indeed tainted with what seems to be a highly evolved species of Hydromedusaes (athecate hydroids: order of the Hydrozoza).
Dr. Nan Kan was extremely perturbed by this new discovery of jellyfish. While freshwater jellyfish are well known and documented, this new hybrid-species has developed a gastrodermal lining of the gastrovascular cavity which allows it to digest highly toxic impurities and enables it to adapt and survive in unfathomable environments such as sewer and industrial waste.

"The il mangiatore umano della merda (Holdrege Jellyfish) is the one of the few aquatic organism that has completely adapted itself to co-exist in the human world," states Dr. Heng Nan Kan. "They are the equivalent of the modern day cockroach."

Highly transparent and hard to see unless closely examined, the Holdrege Jellyfish resembles no physical difference to its cousins, the Hydromedusae. They usually grow no larger than a nickel in size and can obtain a variety of shapes. This also explains why they have not been found until recently.

After talking at length with the Holdrege city council, CSMB was told that an incident that involved a 10 year old boy at Washington Elementary led to the discovery of the Holdrege Jellyfish infestation. According to council woman, Lisza Pat McHunt, the little boy was drinking from the water fountain when he felt a stingy sensation on his tongue and throat. Thinking that it was the cause of the Burts bee lip balm that he ate (the school administrators were aware of this behavior and noted that it happens frequently), Roger Lipskin didn't think much of it until his tongue started to swell uncontrollably. "Thankfully, our math/gym teacher, Mr. Smith got stung by a jellyfish while vacationing in Hawaii. He saw Roger's symptoms and knew right off the bat that it was caused by a jellyfish sting," says Principle Falcon. "Roger was lucky that he received the correct diagnoses in time."

Currently, the city of Holdrege has issued a death risk alert and has been distributing cases of Coca-Cola, Coke Zero, Diet Coke, Diet Coke Lime/ Lemon twist, and Sprite in the town centre. "We are urging our residents to refrain from any water intake or bathing," says Mayor Towers, "Thanks to the good folks at Coca-Cola, we will be supplied with carbonated refreshments until we can provide our citizens with safe drinking water."

Early this morning, Dr. Heng Nan Kan and his brother Dr. Tai Nan Kan left for Holdrege in a joint effort with the Dauphin Island Sea Lab to study more about the Holdrege Jellyfish. The city council also hopes that these scientists will find a solution to their jellyfish predicament. More information about their progress will be posted early next week.

I Have Been Shipwrecked

Hello this is my first blog post on CSMB, it is in fact my first blog post ever. My name is Dr Alvin Monroe and up until Thursday of last week I have been shipwrecked on an island in the Pacific Ocean for 5 months.


Dr Alvin Monroe seen here with a spotted hump-back whale June 2005

I was up until last year the head of Aquanautic Research in the field of squid dam technology at the Chelsea School of Marine Biology. I was rescued last week thanks in part to the tireless petitioning of the RM coast guards by my esteemed colleagues and supporters to whom I owe a massive debt of thanks.
This is my story.
Last August I was involved in a research trip that was being conducted in the Pacific Ocean. Along with 9 other colleagues, including noted Marine Biologist and CSMB fellow Dr. Samuel Jacobs and Indian celebrity marine life expert Gurvinder Patel, I was researching a large squid damn that was dangerously close to rupture. All of a sudden five nights into the voyage we hit a terrible storm, a storm that would eventually sink our boat and kill three of the crew.


Gurvinder Patel

All I remember of that night was pelting rain, howling wind and a darkness the likes of which I have never before seen. I can remember clinging desperately on to the life boat as we were hurled around like a rag doll in the ferocious wash. The next morning the seas had calmed and the sun rose on a beautiful but desolate ocean. We drifted for 2 days and cautiously ate some supplies that were packed on the raft. On the morning of the 3rd day we spotted land, a medium sized island with white sand and lush green trees was approaching us on the horizon.


A desert island much like ours.

As soon as we hit the Island, Dr. Jacobs split us into two teams, one to survey the land and find food and one group to create shelter and start working on rescue plans.
We found food, plenty of it, the tastiest fruit and berries I ever ate but there was no meat to be found and fishing was proving trickier than expected. We distilled sea and rain water in stills made from coconut husks and created adequate shelter.
At first it seemed like paradise, of course I knew that we were lost and had little hope of rescue but I always kept my hopes up and my spirit high plus I like a nice deep tan. It was after the second month that things started to turn sour. With hopes of a rescue diminishing petty arguments and fighting erupted between the men. At this point I would like to say that what happened from here on out was caused by a desperate situation and until you have experienced such a situation you cannot hope to understand our plight. After a particularly viscous moment 2 of the men who had been fighting on a raised platform 30 meters from the beach both fell to their deaths in the ravine below. Starved for the taste of meat and slowly wasting away somebody suggested that we should not waste the meat of our colleagues and let them die in vain. I know now it sounds insane but when faced with such a predicament insanity takes on a whole new meaning. So we ate. I went to sleep that night feeling physically ill, repulsed at the creature I had become. I had vivid dreams of all manor of exotic human hors d'oeuvres.


An hors d'oeuvre from the wikipedia entry on hors d'oeuvres.

The next morning the mood in the camp had shifted drastically. For a start Dr. Jacobs had disappeared along with the life raft and morale was at an all time low.
We soldiered on day and night passing the time as best we could, longing for salvation. Finally after 5 months a boat was spotted on the horizon and we fired 2 flares into the evening sky. The flares illuminated the island in an eerie light but I was sure that the boat could not miss them. Four hours later we were safe aboard a US marine boat heading back to South America and to normal life.
Dr Jacobs has not been seen in months and his whereabouts are currently unknown. At this point he is missing presumed dead. Gurvinder Patel was one of the men who tragically perished on the island may he rest in peace.
I will be continuing my post at CSMB and hopefully blogging on lighter subject matter related to my course and marine biology in general.

4th Triggerfish Death - Travel Warning.

At the CSMB offices this morning, we were all deeply saddened by news of the death of six year old Jeremy Ryan, who's mangled, ravaged body was found washed up on the coast of eastern Saudi Arabia in the early hours of Tuesday morning. The boy, son of famed Marine Biology educator Cris Ryan (currently working at the Smithsonian Marine Station), was vacationing with his family on the sunny beaches of Yanbu when he spotted a sparkle and flash of colour in the crystal clear waters. His curiosity soon lead to his tragic death, and before his parents could hear even a shout from his lips, he was attacked and killed by the beautiful yet deadly Clown Triggerfish.

Jeremy Ryan's (pictured left) death marks the fourth Triggerfish incident since 2007.

The Clown Triggerfish, mostly known by it's scientific name of Balistoides conspicillum (Bloch & Schneider, 1801), has a fantastic colouration, making this species instantly recognisable when seen. The eyes of this deceptively harmless fish are generally masked with a white or yellow stripe crossing over the snout, and the mouth of the Clown Triggerfish is bright yellow with a white line behind it.

CSMB wishes to issue a formal travel warning to those with plans to visit the vicinity of the Red Sea. There has been a marked rise in aggression in the Clown Triggerfish and related fish in the Trigger family, and studies are currently being conducted in a joint collaboration with the King Abdullah University of Science and Technology (KAUST) in Saudi Arabia, and The American University in Cairo (AUC).

Our heartfelt sympathies and thoughts are with the Ryan family today.

'Life Underwater' a talk by Dr. Martin Wong

CSMB old boy Dr. Martin Wong will be giving a talk on Coral farming, the worlds first Humanquarium (an underwater space in which humans can breath freely and go about their daily business under the watchful glare of fascinated fish) and possible sub-aqua housing developments such as the "Aquafirma" project. The project has, until very recently, been completely top secret. Dr. Wong has been working on the project in Dubai for the past 5 years, slated for completion sometime in 2017, it has been revealed that Aquafirma will be a mixed use underwater development comprising housing, an 8 star hotel and a mega Casino.



The Talk will be part of the ongoing TED conference currently taking place in California this month. If you are at the TED conference then don't miss this fascinating talk, the rest of us will have to wait for the upcoming podcasts and youtube videos of the event.

Something fishy in Nara

Over the last few months CSMB has received many distressing reports of an underground ring of highly illegal restaurants throughout Japan specializing in dishes made with endangered marine animals. The most nortorious in the ring is a small izakaya in Nara called Shirakayo. Known simply as “Shi” by its regular patrons, this small izakaya actively fishes and serves up 34 out of the 40 endangered marine species protected under the Kyoto Marine Conservation Act of 1952 on a daily basis.

Like all illegals, Shirakayo's location moves regularly to avoid detection by authorities; however, many experts in this area say this tactic is more show than actual function. Although the practice of serving endangered species has been condemned by the national government, the Japanese Marine Resources Bureau has yet to win a case against perpetrators against the Act and a small constellation of underground restaurants flourish throughout Japan.


Nearly 90% of the endangered marine life trade is supported by the top 2% of income earners in Japan. Prominent business leaders, media moguls and even politicians are suspected to be in this group. “A law is only the law when it is enforced at all levels of the government,” sighs Dr. Takashi Hanagawa, President of the Japanese Wildlife Bureau, “We are working with half a blindfold and one hand tied behind our backs.” It is suspected that many law officials choose to turn a blind eye when it comes to endangered species consumption cases because they fear retribution from the people being put on trial. “If your paycheck is signed by the person that is on trial and it’s bonus season, would you really care that this guy ate some fish?” asks Dr. Hanagawa.

Last week, after months of careful networking and research, CSMB’s team of marine activists gained entrance into Shira. “It was awful. They had huge tanks full of exotic fish from which clientele would pick their dinners,” reports Jan McGinny. CSMB immediately notified local authorities of this illegal izakaya’s location; however, local authorities were slow to react and never arrived. CSMB returned early the next day, to find that someone had tipped off Nara and the sly izakaya had switched locations once again. “They obviously moved out in a hurry because there was quite a bit of broken glass,” says McGinnny, “The worst part though was when we found the bodies of a few Chaetobranchopsis orbiculari who must have splashed out of the tanks just lying there, looking up at us.”

CSMB activists in Japan will continue to fight these restaurants. If you are interested in joining the conservation effort please contact us at info@csmb.com.

Susie the Crimean River Turtle needs your help!

Susie, CSMB’s 35 year old resident Crimean river turtle was first observed yesterday around noon by one of CSMB’s vets to be seemingly engaged in the elaborate mating ritual unique to the species. This is the first time in Susie's life where she has exhibited any signs of being in heat launching a region-wide search by the CSMB to find her a suitable mate.

The mating ritual of the Crimean river turtle consists of a counter-clockwise side-shuffling dance whereupon the female systematically rubs her front dorsal flippers releasing her pheromones onto smooth rocks around her nest. In the wild, this dance is typically performed at dusk when ocean winds are the strongest and male Crimean River Turtles have been known to travel upwards of 30 miles to reach potential females should they catch scent.



Susie came under the CSMB’s care nearly 15 years ago after a cargo ship transporting her and other marine animals to the aquatic petting zoo Orlando Sea World was swept up in typhoon winds and had to dock in Boston harbor. Due to incorrectly prepared cages, many marine animals on the ship were severely injured. Rescuers from the CSMB were immediately dispatched to the area to aid the coast guard in helping injured marine animals. While Susie's shell was intact nearly a quarter of her back flipper had to be amputated after it became infected after getting caught in the metal doors of her cage; however, the biggest blow to Susie’s health was perhaps the death of her mate Bordlio.



Bordlio had sustained massive shell injuries and, although it was not evident to rescuers at the time, was bleeding internally. CSMB rescuers had bandaged the 19 year old male and was planning to transport him to CSMB’s Herpetology Center the following day; however, Bordlio passed away before the morning. Susie fell into a depression, refusing to eat and guarded Bordlio’s body with extreme aggression, charging at anyone who came near the cage. Finally to deter the rapid decline of her own health, CSMB was forced to tranquillize Susie and remove Bordlio’s carcass.

Afterwards, Susie was delivered to the Orlando Sea World petting zoo where she was introduced unsuccessfully to another male Crimean turtle named Zulu. Despite arriving at sexual maturity at that time (Crimean turtles typically begin mating at 10-20 years) Susie displayed little interest in her male lawn mate. Soon aquarium personnel began to notice her exhibiting dangerous behaviors toward Zulu as well as several other land turtles in the compound. Crimean river females tend to be roughly twice the size of males and 15 times the size of land turtles. Deemed a clear and present danger to the animals in the compound, Susie was put under the CSMB’s care.

Due to Susie’s aggression problems, she remains the only Crimean river turtle at CSMB; however a small but dedicated group of volunteers headed by resident herpetologist, Dr. Donald Langspur, have already begun contacting various zoos and animal refuges in the region to try to find her an eligible suitor. Time is of the essence as female Crimean river turtles come in heat about once every two years and for only the time span of roughly two weeks. If you have any information that may aid us in the search please email us at info@csmb.com.

Sirenfish

Blogging live from Fiji today where scientists from the Fijian Marine and Equine University have captured the first live specimen of the fabled Sirenfish. The Sirenfish is a particularly fascinating member of the cantata-cisternarum family which until recently was believed to be entirely mythological. The Sirenfish's legend in fact is believed to have been mixed up with the myth of the mermaid in about 1763 in Guiseppe L'alinquito's 'Stories of the Deep'.

First discovered in March 15th 2006 by Dr. Russell Handplate, the fish is about 5cm in length, brilliant blue in colour with a handsome black dorsal fin. According to first hand reports, as soon as the Sirenfish is out of water it emits a shrill yet beautiful melody which is something akin to a soothing lullaby.
When Dr. Handplate first discovered the Sirenfish due to a lack of conclusive evidence he was made a laughing stock and was stripped of his title as dean of Mythological Marine studies at Oxford Universities Balliol College. Shortly after this Dr. Handplate renounced all his past theories and disappeared into obscurity.


Dr. Handplate shown here in happier times on a fishing trip in Ireland in 2005.

On a day when most of the world is celebrating the inauguration of the US's first African American president we can also celebrate another victory, this time of the scientific variety.



Deep see diver Tui "Ronald" Talunga (pictured here with a rare blue sack fish) captured and successfully presented the worlds first glimpse of a live Sirenfish. The unveiling will officially occur on February 1st at the Chelsea School of Marine Biology, London, please email info@csmb.edu for more info. If we can locate him, guest speaker Dr. Russell Handplate will deliver a speech about the Sirenfish and it's impact on the validation of Marine Mythology as a legitimate field of academic research.

In Memorandum, Dr. Kazuhiro Kanazawa

Today is a sad day for all at CSMB as we mark the passing of our highly respected alumnus Dr. Kazuhiro Kanazawa. Kazzer as he was known to his many friends passed away this previous Saturday. Amongst his many achievements Dr. Kanazawa was recently honored with the prestigious Richmond-Goldstein award for services to marine biology and for his tireless work in the fight against the Japanese whaling industry. In a quote from an interview in last months Aquasonic magazine Dr. Kanazawa was discussing his feelings about his native Japan's whaling problem; "When I was a young man I used to love the taste of whale meat, it's so soft and delicious. I love the way it oozes through your teeth when you squoosh it back and forth like jelly. When I went on a family holiday at 14 we took a boat trip and in the water ahead of me I saw a giant beast emerging from the inky black wash. I had never encountered such a majestic creature and when it fully revealed itself I was in awe. I swore that day that I would protect these misunderstood giants of the deep."
It was later in life that Dr. Kanazawa discovered whale music, eerie sonar style recordings of whales which he effortlessly blended with Nu Rave and Grime. At the age of 61 he started DJing around the world under the name DJ Kojiki, it was during this period that he was exposed to the darker side of the life of a touring DJ and got mixed up in narcotics and a hard living lifestyle. On Saturday 17th January 2009 at 4:30am Dr. Kanazawa was rushed to hospital having suffered a cardiac arrest. A post mortem revealed massive amounts of cocaine, ketamine, mdma and ironically a final meal of deliciously prepared whale meat sashimi. Although this could all be viewed as somewhat of a massive fall from grace, all of us at CSMB are sending our thoughts and prayers to the Kanazawa family. We hope deeply that his great work in the fields of Marine Biology and Nu Rave/Whale Music mash-ups will be forever remembered.

New Study Reveals Unusual Anomaly

A new study revealed today has shown that if over fishing continues at the rate it is today, young children could, by as early as the year 2017, have no idea what most species of fish taste like. It's likely that the tuna will be thought of as mystical being much like a unicorn and that salmon will be remembered as a fast food snack consumed on the go much like a hamburger or slice of pizza. The reasoning behind this shocking new theory lies in the direct link between fish as a 'brain' food and diminishing intelligence levels amongst the young.

A new study revealed today has shown, if over fishing continues at the rate it is today, Young children could by as early as the year 2017 have no idea what most species of fish taste like. It's likely that the tuna will be thought of in the same light as the dodo and that salmon will be remembered as a fast food snack consumed on the go much like a hamburger or slice of pizza. The reason for this shocking new theory is the direct link between fish as a 'brain' food and diminishing intelligence levels amongst the young.

ISDRA 12th annual gathering

Delegates from the Indian Squid Dam Research Association gather to discuss tide patterns and Ammonium sulfate precipitation (2 key early warning signs) last week. Prof. Vindeet Singh of the university of Mumbai later delivered his keynote speech on aggressive over fishing and depleting tuna stocks and presented his 3 step approach to provide sustainable fishing for future generations. Key points included Electrobiological vibration techiniques which would stimulate fish reproduction and higher penalties for fisherman caught using type 3 shawling nets.
After lunch dancing and merryment followed.

Ancient Shrimp Discovered 1000m Below Sea Level

Nano-Shrimp #362 also known as Bacilious-Crustacio

This prehistoric nano-shrimp was recently discovered in a reef off the coast of Mexico by a local couple (Mr and Mrs Herlado Diaz Rispatro) who were taking part in an annual crabbing festival. The festival forms a large part of the dias de los muertos celebrations in the town.
The shrimp rumored to be well over 1000 years old is not visible to the human eye. It was only discovered by the couple because of Senor Herlado Diaz Rispatro's extreme near sightedness.

New Squid Dam Found off the Coast of Belize

Noted Marine Biologist Carlos Ramanaldez

Evidence pointing to a new squid dam off the coast of Belize has the worlds media in uproar today. The dam was reported as a level 10 dam with a 15.5% chance of rupture. When noted marine biologist Carlos Ramanaldez was called upon to comment of the severity or this dam he was quoted as saying "The natural suction cups on the tentacles of the squids in question have reached level 5 contrusion, it's likely that unless acted upon quickly this sort of a dam could cause major repercussions to the local marine routes and fisheries".